The other day one of my students asked me why I wasn't worried about walking around with my laptop on me. I guess I should be, but I've been all over this world and have never once been robbed. I think it's because I've developed a set of guidelines I try to follow and apply to all situations. It goes beyond 'staying away from sketchy situations': In my world, 'fun' and 'safe' tend to be mutually exclusive concepts. There's nothing quite as entertaining as blowing lines with a prostitute and her mom in a gay bar bathroom at 6 in the morning with a pimp banging on the door, where the floor is covered with shit from a guy who had one too many tacos before getting his sphincter rocked. But just because you're out being a degenerate in a third world red-light district doesn't mean you can't minimize your risks for taking an L along the way. Without further adeu, I present to you my guide for not getting robbed when you're out in the world.
1. Look like you know where you're going.
The advice my dad gave to me on my first trip to New York. If you're in a sketchy area, don't stroll around with your head in the clouds, looking at all the quaint little bistros and brick architecture or whatever the fuck with wide eyes. You look straight ahead and walk briskly, like you have somewhere to be five-minutes ago and can absolutely tolerate no type of dilly-dally. If you're going to aimlessly explore an area, at least aimlessly powerwalk it. I'll slam down the same four blocks for an hour and a half, just to avoid giving people the impression that I don't know where I am. Remember, you're already a target for theives by being a big goofy tourist. The least you can do is pretend like you know your way around.
2. Be Aware of your surroundings.
The typical guide-book advice, but those books also tell you to avoid the cuttier areas, and let's be honest, if you're a total debaucher like me, those cutty areas are where the most fun is to be had. Still, be aware of what's going on around you. Hyper-awareness pays off if you're in a bad neighborhood. Don't be afraid to glance over your shoulder every now and again. Notice a guy with ripped up clothes and grime on his face has been behind you for two blocks? Stop, lean up against a wall and let that motherfucker pass you by, giving him a 'I know what you were trying to do, shit-head' stare as he does. Maybe that sounds paranoid, but it's better to be paranoid than to have a grubby hand relieve you of your wallet.
3. Look pissed off
Thieves and muggers are looking for easy targets, people they can rob with little or no potential consequence. They don't want to get in a confrontation, they just want to slink off with your money. That's why it pays to look like you're really just dying to get into it with somebody. As much as possible, make your body language and countenance suggest that you're having the worst day ever, and you're just looking for someone to give you a reason to knock a motherfucker out; plaster a scowl on your face, ball your fists up, glare at everything like it just fucked your mother, video-taped it, and put it up on Redtube. In general, anyone would want to leave that guy alone, but especially if they're going to try and go in his pockets.
4. Stash your shit.
Preferably, you won't be rolling around with all your money, passport, credit cards, laptop, etc. but sometimes it's neccessary. You can get one of those little fanny-pack-esque things you strap under your shirt, but if it for some reason it becomes visible, it screams out 'jackpot!'. I like to stuff my shit in my sock, and then carry a small amount of walking-around money in my pocket. This way, if you do get jacked, you can hand over what little cash you have and avoid losing everything. If you've used up your decoy-money, go into a cafe or bar or bathroom to furtively take some more out from your stash, don't ever go into your emergency funds in public. Standing on the corner holding a wad of skrill is a bad idea whereever you go.
5. Don't buy drugs on the street.
I know, I know, it was a long trip in and it'd just be so chill to smoke a joint with your bros, and Pepe seems like a nice guy and says he's got it for cheap. Don't do it. The very nature of drug deals requires a certain amount of secrecy, and if a guy can convince you to come down an alley with him so he can sell you a sack behind a dumpster, you're clearly naive and also probably going to break your pockets when he pulls out a gun. Take advantage of the fact that you can get away with drinking in public (even if it's not legal in the country you're in, playing up the stupid american card almost always gets you out of petty trouble), and wait until you befriend some locals who know what's up to try and score your substance of choice. Even if the pusherman offers to sell you something right there in public, it's still a bad idea because you never know who could be watching, which leads me to my next rule...
6. Police are never your friends.
Well, maybe in 1st world countries (minus America) they can be helpful at given times, but in 3d world places where the judicial system runs on bribes and corruption, police should be distrusted just as much as street hustlers. In fact, sometimes they work in unison. I've seen people buy drugs off some street guy, get blurped by a cop who was friends with the street guy, and then get extorted for more money. It's not always if you're doing something illegal though. A friend just told me about how, driving through the yukaton, a cop pulled him over and demanded money for a ticket. His infraction? Driving without a shirt. If you're in a totally corrupt place, it's sort of nice to know you can bribe your way out of anything, but it also means you might end up paying that bribe for something you didn't actually do.
7. Beware of Prostitutes
So none of the local girls were feeling you, but you don't want to go home without a story about some totally awesome exotic sex to recount to your friends who were stuck doing internships all summer. Just be careful. I can't even tell you how many horror stories I've heard about prostitutes, and not just the kind involving STDs. That girl rubbing up on you and calling you 'handsome american boy' isn't doing it because she actually thinks you're cute, she's trying to go in your pockets. In thailand, I watched countless lady-boys get punched in the face for this exact trick, but if the hooker doesn't also have a dong, you might not be as inclined to shove her off you immediately, and you might walk away from that interaction with your wallet missing. Similarly, if you do end up in a motel with a Mary Magdeline, keep an eye on your shit. Not to sully the name of all the honest street walkers out there, but 9/10 times these girls are hooking to make money and you're just another trick who paid for sex. If given the opportunity, they'll fuck you, literally and financially. I'm not saying you shouldn't cash out for a prozzie at all, I'm just saying you should use caution when doing so.
8. Gypsies = No bueno
It's possible that Gyspies are a ethnic group that's just universally discriminated against, and they don't deserve the bad rep they get. It's also possible that all gypsies are swindlers and cheats. I'm not sure which is true, but in all my travels across Europe I couldn't find anyone with something nice to say about them. As such, look out for gypsies. A friend recounted a story where he got his Man-Purse (I believe 'satchell' is the technical term) stolen by an old gypsy lady who threw her baby at him. While he caught the baby, the woman snatched his Euro-Clutch, grabbed her baby and dipped out before he knew what had happened. Similarly, I once handed change to an old gypsy beggar lady who ostensibly had no legs, only to watch her stand up, tuck her no-legs-trick-box under her arm and stroll off ten minutes later. The stories are endless: pick-pocketing, scams, blatant theft, etc. So, if some Gypsy comes up and tries to interact with you, bust out rule #3 and get the fuck out of dodge. There is no good to be had talking to gypsies.
9. Be wary of people who seem like they want to help you.
This isn't to say you should distrust the guy you just asked for directions. Many country's are renowned for their citizen's friendliness and hospitality, and if you ask someone where the busstop is and he/she offers to come with you to make sure you find it okay, there's probably no reason to be alarmed. If someone says, 'hey gringo, you want drugs, you want women, I get them for you' then it's time to be suspicious. I had a taxi cab driver in Amsterdam who offered to sell me cocaine for cheap and take me to a gang-bang for free. I got out of the cab right after he said that. As my uncle Nighthawk used to say, there's no such thing as a free lunch, so if something sounds way too legit, it probably isn't. However, sometimes people like that really will make good on their word, and will just overcharge you for whatever service they provide to make a little money for themselves. There's no way to tell if someone will come through or try and do you dirty, so when that situation arises, you'll just have to use your own discretion.
10. Keep your cool.
So something about you just radiates 'sucker' and you now have a gun pointed at your face and some asshole is demanding you give him your money. Stay cool. The inherent situation of a robbery is one of very high tensions for both parties. The best thing you can do is not panic. Panic feeds off of panic, until it becomes urgency, and then someone is walking away from that situation with a severe flesh wound. Hint: Unless you're a total badass, it's not going to be the guy that's robbing you. I've been on the other end of this situation enough times to say with confidence that the easiest way out of a robbery is to stay calm, hand over your stuff, and just take the blow to your pride. Ideally you followed all my rules and this isn't going to happen, but I'm not going to be the dickhead that recommends you try to be a hero and beat a foreign crack-head with a weapon up. As much of a boss as you are in your own country, in another one, you're nothing but fresh meat. Remember that and break your pockets. Hopefully you followed Rule #4 so it won't be that big of a deal, but obviously you didn't follow my rules or you wouldn't be in that situation in the first place. You deserve to get jacked. Maybe you should heed my words next time, asshole.
Anyway guys, that's it. Take care out there in the world. There's lots of cool stuff to do and see, and you should never limit yourself based on the apparent safety of an area...you'll end up missing out on a lot of cool experiences.
Godbless and happy travels!
